in one of my favorite movies, Close to You (starring John Lloyd Cruz, Bea Alonzo and Sam "I Never.." Milby), Alonzo's character Marian was hopelessly infatuated with her childhood sweetheart Lance (played by Milby) who is now the vocalist of a famous international band based in Singapore. As soon as Marian found out will go on a tour, she immediately dragged Cruz who is in the movie as Manuel, her best friend on a wild goose chase across the 7,107 islands of the Philippine archipelago to hunt down meet Milby again.

when they do meet, Milby returns Alonzo's affection and they live happily ever after.. just kidding. Of course, what would a Filipino feature film be without the song and dance number predetermined conflict? Cruz is (gasp!) in love with Alonzo and now the latter is (in the words of her sister named Abby in the flick) torn between a habit and a dream

like Alonzo, Tinang and Pilar (from the short stories entitled Love in The Cornhusks and The Corral by Rivera-Ford and Tiempo, respectively) both had a decision to make. Now I know you might argue that they were both trapped in a situation that they had no control over but I beg to disagree. Even if the choices that they made were not the choices that they had originally planned on making and were not the ones that truly made them happy, at the end of the day, they had a choice.

Almost 5 years ago, I fell in love with this guy I was friends with. He was a batch ahead but we were always together anyway and when we weren't, we would be texting each other silly things like "I am bored. Entertain me with your antics." or "I'd rather strip down to my birthday suit, roll in a tub of boiling honey and venture bravely toward a pool of fire red ants than go to our family reunion."

It felt good to find somebody I could watch television and movies with and enjoyed reading books too. We could talk about everything so easily and would finish each other's sentences occasionally but we never knew what to expect of each other because despite the things we have in common, we were two very different people.

I know it sounds like a dream come true for me but it actually wasn't because we were JUST. FRIENDS. In my heart, I knew that he liked me too but at the same time, I had a hard time believing that he did because he never went right out and said it so I didn't, too.

However, a few months short of his graduation, we didn't text each other as much and eventually, we stopped going out. I missed him so much I admitted my feelings and he replied with "friends", saying I'd understand in time (but I knew I wouldn't and I was right.).

The frequency of our messages dwindled even more until he texted me the song "Sleeps with Butterflies" which goes:

You say the word
You know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don't mind
I don't hold on
To the tail of your kite

but I didn't read into it because I figured he just remembered I liked butterflies.

Next thing I knew a teacher asked how I felt about the fact that he was leaving for Canada and then he left the very next week after visiting my school. Although I knew that I had to give myself time to heal before being friends with him again, I couldn't stop keeping in touch with him when he got there. I only stopped being in contact when I met Christian and I decided that it was unfair to both of us. Recently however, he read THIS BLOG ENTRY and felt so bad that this conversation took place (edited some conversation that took place in between the important points to emphasize):

Therese: almost makes up for the fact that i am a freak of nature

manuel | -òn fïrè-: a freak who can get a guy to airmail 18 bday cards to her on her birthday. must be some special freak that one

manuel | -òn fïrè-: youre just about the only one i ever got along with back there

Therese: if we got along so well how come we stopped talking when you graduated and next thing i knew you were leaving na

manuel | -òn fïrè: cause i couldnt tell you that i had to leave

manuel | -òn fïrè: ill admit it i liked you a lot back then

manuel | -òn fïrè: i didnt want you to put your hope in someone who was gonna leave in three months

manuel | -òn fïrè-: it was less painful that way

manuel | -òn fïrè-: youre always gonna be the "most amazing girl in the phils" i keep talking about here

Like Tinang, whose letter came a BABY too late, this confession was long overdue and like Amado's letter who NEVER ONCE said when he would come back, my first love said I liked (not loved, take note) you a lot BACK THEN. So while our choice wasn't initially the one that we wanted, in my case it turned out to be for the best so maybe it will be better for Tinang as well.

In the same way, like Pilar who is undeniably attracted to Gregorio but settles for Mr. Perfecto, I didn't think that he noticed me either so I said hey, it's time for me to say bye bye now and moved on and found something greater than I ever expected or hoped to deserve.

and I'm beginning to understand another thing these girls and I have in common. I forgave him but I blamed myself. I really thought that he just wanted to be friends because I was damaged goods.

The biggest lesson that I had to learn was that in spite of my (many) imperfections and shortcomings, I AM GOOD ENOUGH. It wasn't my fault that it didn't work out and I OWE it to myself to make myself happy :)

Labels: litfili week 4, Rivera-Ford, Tiempo